Month: February 2019

February 5, 2019

February 5, 2019 “I have suffered from depression since my early teens. I finally shared my story in a Telegraph article at the beginning of 2018, but, by that time, I’d been grappling with whether to go public with my struggle for years. I have an excerpt from a blog post I drafted (but never published) in 2016—the best year of my career to date. ~“I’m sitting in a busy locker room, facing the nearest wall, with a towel draped over my head so no one can see the silent tears rolling down my face. An anti-doping monitor stands nearby shifting awkwardly left and right wondering when will be a good time to ask me to sign consent papers for testing. She’s been standing there for thirty minutes and I haven’t so much as acknowledged her presence—even in my special state of misery, I feel guilty about this. All of the standard questions and doubts roll through my head with relentless persistence. ‘Why couldn’t you handle the nerves better?’ ‘Why didn’t you play your game?’ ‘Would a someday champion wilt under pressure that way?’ And perhaps the most haunting question, ‘At a career high ranking of 71 in the world, (more…)

February 4, 2019

February 4, 2019 “He was diagnosed around October, 2012 and passed away November, 2014. Sean Karl. He was in remission during the summer of 2013 and then came to UT (Tennessee) that fall. Then November of ‘13 he was diagnosed again. It was a one step forward, two steps back situation. We were close friends. Through playing with Sean, we all became brothers. We were a team. He played the fall of his freshman year and then was forced to stop when it returned. He competed in fall tournaments but sadly never competed in a dual match. He underwent all his treatment in Knoxville, once he got to school. He was at every practice that he could, during his schedule of one week of treatment and two weeks off. During the off weeks he would be in good enough shape to hit with us. He was always around us. We met every Thursday with the team which was led by the coach. It was extremely spiritual. It started and ended with a prayer. The whole team would be in the tennis center and listen to Sean get raw about his treatment and how he is feeling. He once broke down (more…)

February 2, 2019

February 2, 2019 “This was about three years ago when I was 350 in the world for singles, playing the futures tour, for doubles as well. The bank account was low and I was unsure how I was going to get home. Once was in China and once was somewhere in Europe. The flight home was around eight hundred dollars, so you can imagine where the account was at. That was traveling the cheapest way possible with about twelve layovers. I luckily had a few kind people who helped me out minimally financially, which was my only option. I constantly tried to travel as few times as possible, which meant I was away from home six to eight months at a time. The question always came up, ‘What am I doing?’ I was going week to week, making two or three hundred dollars. Then after taxes it was basically nothing. What am I doing with my life. I am twenty nine now. I don’t have a degree, which I am working online for. Other people around my age, who I went to school with, have cars, houses, etc…living the less stressful life. They see me and think that I am (more…)